Bad Advice: No One Can Love That

Romantic love is, allegedly, a battlefield. Also, love stinks. Tina Turner isn’t sure what love’s got to do with “it,” and Ali MacGraw (wrongly) claimed love means never having to say you’re sorry. Oh yeah, and apparently love is also patient and kind. Seems simple enough. Love is abstract. It is confusing and indefinable, and it elicits a response somewhere deep in the muscles and behind the gut that feels both empowering and maybe a little icky. To be clear, I want to emphasize that I’m talking about romantic love. Because the other sorts of love, parental, child-to-parent, friendship, familial, pet, fandom, those kinds of love don’t seem to require as much work. They are either so much a part of us that they make us feel alive, or they serve a purpose, enrich a moment, and then they gently fade away. But romantic love, that kind of love is made up of frayed live wires and ice cream. It’s a teddy bear stored in a box made from razor blades. It’s a 10,000-piece puzzle with nothing to guide you, a dozen missing pieces, and a perfect picture that keeps shifting with every piece put into place.

Or maybe it’s not. I don’t really know what love is, and I don’t think anyone else does either. That’s why it is the muse for most great works of art. Love is a house of mirrors where every surface can only reflect a metaphor.

Relationships, on the other hand, those can be defined and understood. I may not have any truth to share about love, but I do have something to say about romantic relationships. And what I have to say is this: Facebook, Pinterest, and any other media that compartmentalizes relationships, they are doing a disservice to people who are trying to have a healthy relationship. Knock it off, Photoshoppers!
A long time ago I read something on Pinterest that upset me so much I obsessed about it. I went back and read this horrible piece of “advice” written in cursive on a cream-coloured poster background over and over until I had to stop because it was affecting my blood pressure. I submit it to you here:

Relationships do not get easier. Every day is a struggle. Every day is a battle. It doesn’t get easier with time. In fact, it gets harder. The secret is finding someone who’s willing to be weak and strong with you at the same time. The secret is finding someone who’s willing to work with you and who will push you, challenge you, make it harder for you to leave. The beauty is in the struggle.

You heard it, folks. Every day is a struggle, and it will only get harder. But that’s ok, because you’re going to be with someone who is at his or her weakest at the same time as you. Won’t that be helpful? As this storybook co-dependent relationship goes on you can measure your success on how hard it is for you to leave. Because, remember kids, the beauty is in the struggle. What…the…fuck?

Another cause of my developing nervous tick is the horrible Facebook groups I keep seeing that offer sharable bits of disaster fuel for the relationship fire. One in particular that gets my heartstrings in a knot is “Tears are the Last Gift of Love.” What the hell is that? Can someone please tell me where the hell this came from? I only committed about 4 minutes to Google searching trying to find the source of this little gem before I had to give up because there are only so many alternate spellings using the letter “z” or capital “U”s that I can stand. But, come on now, in what universe is a sentiment like this healthy?

Here are some of my favourite tidbits from this group. Disclaimer: all these quotes are copied directly with the same spelling, grammar, and capitalization. The only thing I added was shame.

“Relationship never dies a natural death…They are murdered by Ego, Attitude, and ignorance.”
“Someone who really Loves you sees what a mess you can be, how moody you can get, how hard you are to handle, but still wants you in their Life.”
“It is better to cry alone than to be angry, Because anger hurts others, while tears flow silently through the soul and washes the heart.”
“I never stoped loving you…I just stopped showing it…..”
“I want a relationship where we talk like best friends, play like kids, argue like husband and wife, and protect each other like siblings..!”
“One day you will miss me.”
“U’ll Not Change Urself 4 Anyone…BUT You Wil Be Automatically Changed When You Are Addicted Toward Someone!”
“I nEvEr fEeL aLoNe, bCuZ lOnLiNeSs iS aLwAyS wId me………….”
“One thing I am absolutely certain, I can’t live this life without you.”

To me, it seems like these quotes are written by young romantics who are recently single, raised on princess expectations, and trapped in the turret prison of their imaginations looking out over a landscape of idealized fantasy. I believe in love at first sight, I believe in true love, but I don’t believe in relationship at first sight, and I believe true love is honest love. These Internet cards are depicting a glossy, airbrushed version of love that is not only unrealistic, but it’s also inhumane. Please, listen to me when I tell you that a great relationship should not, by definition, get harder as it goes on. Don’t qualify your relationship on whether the person you’re with still wants to be with you despite your moodiness. Don’t cry alone. Don’t consider loneliness your companion. Sometimes a relationship simply does “die a natural death,” and that’s ok. Do not collect these experiences like badges for the heart.

I’m still young. I don’t have all the answers. I don’t have the perfect relationship. In fact, this year my relationship was tested more than I ever thought possible. At this very moment I am more confident in my relationship and more in love than I have ever been before. I know something about a committed relationship, and it does not look like a blurry couple sharing a kiss on a beach with an inspirational quote in the foreground. So to all the Photoshoppers out there, all the Pinterest pinners, here are some new thoughts for your walls and boards.

True love is honest love. Be honest, and be thankful when you receive honesty in return.

Relationships are not about sacrifice they are about problem solving.

Commit to your love for as long as you love your commitment.

Build your relationship as you would build your house—comfortable and reflective of your personality and lifestyle. Most importantly, take the time to make it liveable. You wouldn’t move into a home that was only scaffolding, so don’t move into a relationship that hasn’t yet been built.

Don’t expect to love someone more than you have ever loved anyone immediately after meeting. And if you do, don’t expect it to last. Instead, enjoy the slow build-up.

Real love is holding a conversation with your partner while ignoring that stupid butt-dance she does when a pop song comes on.

Real love is smelling your partner’s armpit to assure her she doesn’t stink.

Real love is planning simultaneous life dreams that may not be fully compatible, knowing that each partner will support the other because that’s just what life is like in this household.

Real relationships are not measured by number of butterflies in the stomach or length of doe-eyed gazes, but by the amount of confidence in your partner.

Real relationships are not guided by short quotes but by long considerations. Doesn’t such an important decision in your life deserve a great deal of thought?

Perhaps I’m being hypocritical now, offering relationship advice after bemoaning bits of bad relationship advice. I suppose writing this post has shown me just how tempting it is to provide words of wisdom about love. Ultimately we all want to find that someone with whom to share our lives. So I’ll finish by asking, do you want to share Photoshopped trading cards about love, or do you want to share healthy and positive experiences with another person for as long as it remains healthy and positive?