England, day 8; Legacy, day 11,070

I'm starting to think that I want every life I see that isn't my own. How much greener could I really expect that other grass to be? Do you know what I've unexpectedly done since I've been here? Set up appointments with two separate professors at two separate universities, and possibly a third, in order to meet and discuss possible research topics. Do you know what I did when I was in my MA? Counted down the days until it was all over and I could break into publishing. Do you know who has't been working in publishing lately? Please picture thumbs pointing at my chest, because it's this one right here. Do you know who said they wouldn't do a PhD? Yup, the same troubled chest-pointer you're reading about.

When I was in Calgary I thought just get through whatever I'm doing and wherever I am and then the adventure will start. When I went to Nanaimo I thought, just get through what I'm doing now and I'll start to really hit my stride. The pieces will fall into place. When I went to Edmonton I thought, just get over this here and it will finally start to pay off. When I left the city I thought, ok here we go. In the country I thought, nothing to do here but be with my books and my thoughts and my notepaper. Now I think, nothing to do here, period. Now I think, get to the largest, busiest city and the most intense university I can find. Get me anywhere but here.

I miss Calgary, I miss Nanaimo, I miss Edmonton, I miss London, I miss everywhere but here and now. I miss feeling like whatever I decide to do, I can't miss.

I've also been thinking, and this is some seriously pathetic "priviledged-people-problems" right here, I've been thinking that I have allowed my incredibly supportive family to be an excuse for me. I've spent a lifetime surrounded by people who say I should go for it, and I think I've been afraid of frustrating them. Not disappointing them. I hate when people say that. If your family loves you then it's hard for them to be disappointed in you. But like I often say, I am always beginning the first day of the rest of my life, and I expect if I say I want to do something one day and then change my mind it's probably pretty exhausting for the people who are waiting in the wings to support me. Seriously, how ridiculous does that sound? Because it sounds pretty ridiculous just typing it. But there it is.

The one thing I feel certain about is that I don't know what I want, and I will probably change my mind. How can I exist like that in a world of loving and living people?
I'm excited about meeting with these professors, but I'm not making any plans. How can I? There's all this wishing and hoping and thinking and praying and planning and dreaming, but there's still that living thing I've got to do. If I can just get through what I'm doing and where I am then...what?