The middle of August, right before I turned 30, I posted a highly optomistic fun post about the advice I would like the older me to give the younger me. Since then, things have happened that the younger me couldn't possibly begin to imagine, and the "older" me is not prepared for.
I don't want to let my dirty laundry blow in the internet airwaves. As much as I'm an open book, I'm not a tabloid. At least I hope I'm not. But some things I will disclose because I feel compelled to write about them.
On August 28 my sister Jordan passed away from a car accident while vacationing in Jamaica. I don't wish that sort of shock and pain on anyone in the world. Jordan was honest, courteous, fun, intriguing, brilliant, kind, beautiful, creative, compassionate, adventurous, she was someone for whom you could ask yourself, what would Jordan do, and if you followed that answer, things would be just fine. Things don't glimmer as brightly as they did three months ago. And the most painful part of it all is if she knew the sort of pain that her passing set off, she would be so unhappy about it. She made everyone feel better, and right now things feel, well, they're tough—really tough.
Oh Jordan, I wish you could tell me what to do.
I've also been going through a...what is it...a 30-year-old identity crisis maybe? A post-graduation depression? A "really,-this-is-where-I-am-now?" state of mind? I've got questions for myself that I really don't know how to answer, and at the risk of starting to throw all that dirty laundry up in the air, I've never felt so low.
So, I did the most extreme thing I could think of. I ran away to England for a couple weeks to visit a dear friend. She's going to university in Durham where she studies in a World Heritage Site. Yup, my friends, Anna goes to university in a bonafide castle.
She took me to the cathedral and into the cathedral library. Things that are on my bucket-list: spend more time in castles and do research in a cathedral library.
The Durham Cathedral is where the English historian, Bede, is entombed. I will never stop loving the relics of history. Sure it's morbid, but bring on the dead!
We spent a bit of time in one of the student pubs in the 15th century section of the castle. Apparently the kitchens are in the 12th century part of the castle and are the oldest operating kitchens in England—no big deal. We also went to an amazing bookshop called Barters Books in Alnwick. It's where the "Keep Calm and Carry On" poster was discovered.
I'm here for twelve more days, and in that time I will continue to blog, clear my head, think about what I want and, I don't know. Of course being here, near a university, nearly jobless and lost, I can't stop thinking about a PhD. When things get hard that's what I do. I run back to the harsh but oddly comforting arms of academia.
Oh Jordan, wherever you are, I sure could use your reasonable mind right now.
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