I'm starting to think that I want every life I see that isn't my own. How much greener could I really expect that other grass to be? Do you know what I've unexpectedly done since I've been here? Set up appointments with two separate professors at two separate universities, and possibly a third, in order to meet and discuss possible research topics. Do you know what I did when I was in my MA? Counted down the days until it was all over and I could break into publishing. Do you know who has't been working in publishing lately? Please picture thumbs pointing at my chest, because it's this one right here. Do you know who said they wouldn't do a PhD? Yup, the same troubled chest-pointer you're reading about.
When I was in Calgary I thought just get through whatever I'm doing and wherever I am and then the adventure will start. When I went to Nanaimo I thought, just get through what I'm doing now and I'll start to really hit my stride. The pieces will fall into place. When I went to Edmonton I thought, just get over this here and it will finally start to pay off. When I left the city I thought, ok here we go. In the country I thought, nothing to do here but be with my books and my thoughts and my notepaper. Now I think, nothing to do here, period. Now I think, get to the largest, busiest city and the most intense university I can find. Get me anywhere but here.
I miss Calgary, I miss Nanaimo, I miss Edmonton, I miss London, I miss everywhere but here and now. I miss feeling like whatever I decide to do, I can't miss.
I've also been thinking, and this is some seriously pathetic "priviledged-people-problems" right here, I've been thinking that I have allowed my incredibly supportive family to be an excuse for me. I've spent a lifetime surrounded by people who say I should go for it, and I think I've been afraid of frustrating them. Not disappointing them. I hate when people say that. If your family loves you then it's hard for them to be disappointed in you. But like I often say, I am always beginning the first day of the rest of my life, and I expect if I say I want to do something one day and then change my mind it's probably pretty exhausting for the people who are waiting in the wings to support me. Seriously, how ridiculous does that sound? Because it sounds pretty ridiculous just typing it. But there it is.
The one thing I feel certain about is that I don't know what I want, and I will probably change my mind. How can I exist like that in a world of loving and living people?
I'm excited about meeting with these professors, but I'm not making any plans. How can I? There's all this wishing and hoping and thinking and praying and planning and dreaming, but there's still that living thing I've got to do. If I can just get through what I'm doing and where I am then...what?
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Monday, December 3, 2012
Shit just got real...shitty. But I'm in England, so there's that.
The middle of August, right before I turned 30, I posted a highly optomistic fun post about the advice I would like the older me to give the younger me. Since then, things have happened that the younger me couldn't possibly begin to imagine, and the "older" me is not prepared for.
I don't want to let my dirty laundry blow in the internet airwaves. As much as I'm an open book, I'm not a tabloid. At least I hope I'm not. But some things I will disclose because I feel compelled to write about them.
On August 28 my sister Jordan passed away from a car accident while vacationing in Jamaica. I don't wish that sort of shock and pain on anyone in the world. Jordan was honest, courteous, fun, intriguing, brilliant, kind, beautiful, creative, compassionate, adventurous, she was someone for whom you could ask yourself, what would Jordan do, and if you followed that answer, things would be just fine. Things don't glimmer as brightly as they did three months ago. And the most painful part of it all is if she knew the sort of pain that her passing set off, she would be so unhappy about it. She made everyone feel better, and right now things feel, well, they're tough—really tough.
Oh Jordan, I wish you could tell me what to do.
I've also been going through a...what is it...a 30-year-old identity crisis maybe? A post-graduation depression? A "really,-this-is-where-I-am-now?" state of mind? I've got questions for myself that I really don't know how to answer, and at the risk of starting to throw all that dirty laundry up in the air, I've never felt so low.
So, I did the most extreme thing I could think of. I ran away to England for a couple weeks to visit a dear friend. She's going to university in Durham where she studies in a World Heritage Site. Yup, my friends, Anna goes to university in a bonafide castle.
She took me to the cathedral and into the cathedral library. Things that are on my bucket-list: spend more time in castles and do research in a cathedral library.
The Durham Cathedral is where the English historian, Bede, is entombed. I will never stop loving the relics of history. Sure it's morbid, but bring on the dead!
We spent a bit of time in one of the student pubs in the 15th century section of the castle. Apparently the kitchens are in the 12th century part of the castle and are the oldest operating kitchens in England—no big deal. We also went to an amazing bookshop called Barters Books in Alnwick. It's where the "Keep Calm and Carry On" poster was discovered.
I'm here for twelve more days, and in that time I will continue to blog, clear my head, think about what I want and, I don't know. Of course being here, near a university, nearly jobless and lost, I can't stop thinking about a PhD. When things get hard that's what I do. I run back to the harsh but oddly comforting arms of academia.
Oh Jordan, wherever you are, I sure could use your reasonable mind right now.
I don't want to let my dirty laundry blow in the internet airwaves. As much as I'm an open book, I'm not a tabloid. At least I hope I'm not. But some things I will disclose because I feel compelled to write about them.
On August 28 my sister Jordan passed away from a car accident while vacationing in Jamaica. I don't wish that sort of shock and pain on anyone in the world. Jordan was honest, courteous, fun, intriguing, brilliant, kind, beautiful, creative, compassionate, adventurous, she was someone for whom you could ask yourself, what would Jordan do, and if you followed that answer, things would be just fine. Things don't glimmer as brightly as they did three months ago. And the most painful part of it all is if she knew the sort of pain that her passing set off, she would be so unhappy about it. She made everyone feel better, and right now things feel, well, they're tough—really tough.
Oh Jordan, I wish you could tell me what to do.
I've also been going through a...what is it...a 30-year-old identity crisis maybe? A post-graduation depression? A "really,-this-is-where-I-am-now?" state of mind? I've got questions for myself that I really don't know how to answer, and at the risk of starting to throw all that dirty laundry up in the air, I've never felt so low.
So, I did the most extreme thing I could think of. I ran away to England for a couple weeks to visit a dear friend. She's going to university in Durham where she studies in a World Heritage Site. Yup, my friends, Anna goes to university in a bonafide castle.
She took me to the cathedral and into the cathedral library. Things that are on my bucket-list: spend more time in castles and do research in a cathedral library.
The Durham Cathedral is where the English historian, Bede, is entombed. I will never stop loving the relics of history. Sure it's morbid, but bring on the dead!
We spent a bit of time in one of the student pubs in the 15th century section of the castle. Apparently the kitchens are in the 12th century part of the castle and are the oldest operating kitchens in England—no big deal. We also went to an amazing bookshop called Barters Books in Alnwick. It's where the "Keep Calm and Carry On" poster was discovered.
I'm here for twelve more days, and in that time I will continue to blog, clear my head, think about what I want and, I don't know. Of course being here, near a university, nearly jobless and lost, I can't stop thinking about a PhD. When things get hard that's what I do. I run back to the harsh but oddly comforting arms of academia.
Oh Jordan, wherever you are, I sure could use your reasonable mind right now.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Here's to another trip around the sun
I turn thirty tomorrow. (In lieu of gifts, donations can be made in the form of purchases at your local bookstore.) Of course turning thirty makes me typically self-reflective and slightly philosophical. So I was thinking today about those blogs, songs, essays, et cetera that offer advice to the me of the past. Sometimes that gets turned on its head to offer a child's advice to his or her future self--don't forget to eat candy, it's ok to get dirty, that kind of stuff. I'd like to try something different. In preparation of my thirtieth year, I would like to offer a list of advice and comforts that I want my future self to tell my past self.
Things the 30+ Me Wants to Tell the 30- Me
1)You are REALLY good at something.
2) You are more patient.
3) You are less critical.
4) You don't care about Facebook anymore.
5) Write more, stupid!
6) The concept of God is only as complicated as you need it to be in order to learn what you need to learn at that moment.
7) That thing you find so difficult isn't so difficult anymore.
8) That other thing you find so difficult is still difficult, but also really fun.
9) That other thing you find so difficult, you don't care about it anymore.
10) That decision you agonized over turned out different than you expected, and also better.
11) Stop taking yourself so seriously.
12) Take more advice from yourself and less advice from others.
13) You are sometimes wrong.
14) Learn to meditate.
15) Eventually you figure out what to do with your hair. It looks fantastic!
Well, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to you, here's to another year of questions and wonder.
Things the 30+ Me Wants to Tell the 30- Me
1)You are REALLY good at something.
2) You are more patient.
3) You are less critical.
4) You don't care about Facebook anymore.
5) Write more, stupid!
6) The concept of God is only as complicated as you need it to be in order to learn what you need to learn at that moment.
7) That thing you find so difficult isn't so difficult anymore.
8) That other thing you find so difficult is still difficult, but also really fun.
9) That other thing you find so difficult, you don't care about it anymore.
10) That decision you agonized over turned out different than you expected, and also better.
11) Stop taking yourself so seriously.
12) Take more advice from yourself and less advice from others.
13) You are sometimes wrong.
14) Learn to meditate.
15) Eventually you figure out what to do with your hair. It looks fantastic!
Well, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to you, here's to another year of questions and wonder.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Shameless Self-promotion
It's been a great few months, if I do say so myself. I've settled in to my office at home and I'm working on settling into a routine. I have to admit, I think I may have suffered a brief bout of post-masters depression and found myself in a little crisis of identity for a bit. Who am I now that I'm not an enrolled student? What am I supposed to do with all this time? The result was a frenzy of volunteer sign-up and a handful of small jobs and projects. Yet, I'm now doing a lot of really great things that I wouldn't otherwise have taken on.
I participated in a Habitat for Humanity house build in the nearby town of Three Hills. The town is about to celebrate its centennial and, in partnership with the Elks, sponsored a 100 hour build to commemorate the occasion. I spent two days at the site, first helping with the refreshments and meals, and then painting and clean-up. There were so many people helping over the 100 hours that by the time I arrived there wasn't much to do. My only real complaint, however, was I had to wear borrowed Habitat steel-toed boots. My feet have been itchy ever since!
I've also been volunteering as an English tutor and helping out with a summer reading camp at the Three Hills Library. I enjoy giving over some time to causes that make me feel useful. It's nice to put all that book learnin' to good use, by which I mean for the good of others. I'm up to about seven hours a week volunteering now, so I promised myself I had to stop taking things on.
Among all the volunteering I've started to become work busy! I'm happy to report I've found some freelance work writing for an academic press (not sure if I can name it right now) doing introductions and annotations for upcoming anthologies. I've also been helping out at the local paper, the Three Hills Capital.
On top of that, my first official publication is now released! Back in March, I was invited to contribute a chapter to a book titled Alternative Futures for Publishing sponsored by the Book Publishers Association of Alberta. It is available for free download, although be patient because it's a big file. Other contributors include my friends and colleagues Mark Leslie and Todd Anderson. I'm delighted to have worked with these and the other authors, and am indebted to Jerome Martin of Spotted Cow Press for his support. Mine is chapter four, "Look Who's Talking, Really: The Dialectic Relationship Between Author, Reader, and Publisher."
photo taken from Mark Leslie's Blog
Finally, I am beyond excited to say that I have been accepted to The Banff Centre Writing With Style residency program! I will be spending a week at the gorgeous campus in Banff where I'll be revising my thesis and turning it into the novel I know it should be. I'm so excited to be part of this inspirational and invaluable workshop, and I can't wait to tell you all about it.
Well, I guess I'd better get back to work. Those introductions won't write themselves. Thanks for reading, and don't forget dreams really do come true, if I can do it you can do it, keep your fork, a bird in the hand, and never put your hat on the bed.
I participated in a Habitat for Humanity house build in the nearby town of Three Hills. The town is about to celebrate its centennial and, in partnership with the Elks, sponsored a 100 hour build to commemorate the occasion. I spent two days at the site, first helping with the refreshments and meals, and then painting and clean-up. There were so many people helping over the 100 hours that by the time I arrived there wasn't much to do. My only real complaint, however, was I had to wear borrowed Habitat steel-toed boots. My feet have been itchy ever since!
I've also been volunteering as an English tutor and helping out with a summer reading camp at the Three Hills Library. I enjoy giving over some time to causes that make me feel useful. It's nice to put all that book learnin' to good use, by which I mean for the good of others. I'm up to about seven hours a week volunteering now, so I promised myself I had to stop taking things on.
Among all the volunteering I've started to become work busy! I'm happy to report I've found some freelance work writing for an academic press (not sure if I can name it right now) doing introductions and annotations for upcoming anthologies. I've also been helping out at the local paper, the Three Hills Capital.
On top of that, my first official publication is now released! Back in March, I was invited to contribute a chapter to a book titled Alternative Futures for Publishing sponsored by the Book Publishers Association of Alberta. It is available for free download, although be patient because it's a big file. Other contributors include my friends and colleagues Mark Leslie and Todd Anderson. I'm delighted to have worked with these and the other authors, and am indebted to Jerome Martin of Spotted Cow Press for his support. Mine is chapter four, "Look Who's Talking, Really: The Dialectic Relationship Between Author, Reader, and Publisher."
Finally, I am beyond excited to say that I have been accepted to The Banff Centre Writing With Style residency program! I will be spending a week at the gorgeous campus in Banff where I'll be revising my thesis and turning it into the novel I know it should be. I'm so excited to be part of this inspirational and invaluable workshop, and I can't wait to tell you all about it.
Well, I guess I'd better get back to work. Those introductions won't write themselves. Thanks for reading, and don't forget dreams really do come true, if I can do it you can do it, keep your fork, a bird in the hand, and never put your hat on the bed.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Studies show eating ______ is good/bad/necessary/horrible for you
Are you healthy? I quit smoking four months ago. I like fruits and vegetables so I eat them. I'm on the go all the time so by default I tend to do a lot of walking. And I was in a curling league this winter. Am I healthy? I honestly have no idea.
When it comes to the topic of health, this past year has been eventful to say the least. There have been some health scares with people who are very close to me. I lost an aunt to cancer a year ago, and my mother recently lost a cousin her age as well. It has me thinking a lot about what it means to be healthy and what we can do about it.
What can we do about it? If we take our advice from any magazine, from tv experts, or from the late-night supplement commercials, we will spend thousands of dollars and hours dedicated to consuming oils and supplements, repeating lunges and palates moves, and wearing yoga pants and magnetic bracelets. Will any of that make us healthy? Must we contribute an hour to meditation, ten minutes to stretching, half an hour to walking, forty-five minutes to bird watching, and seventy-five dollars to organic kelp smoothies each day? Should maintaining our bodies and our minds really be this complicated?
I had the idea to do a blog series where I research all the advice given by the likes of Dr. Oz or any Oprah-endorsed personality, all the health magazines, all the supplements, a general practitioner, a naturopath, the old wives-tales, and any other bit of health advice roaming around the airwaves to date and do them all. I think it could be an interesting experiment on the chaos of our quality of life. Someone really should do that blog—but that person is not me. Honestly, I don't have the time or the money, or probably the patience. And I have a sneaking suspicion doing it all will kill a person.
So while I was thinking about this conundrum I asked myself as I often do—what would my grandma do?
My grandma (we called her babcia) lived to be 92. In August, my husband and I are going to Winnipeg to celebrate his grandma's (he calls her baba) 90th birthday. Many of my babcia's siblings are still alive and well, with their wits and their legs still kicking, approaching or past 90.
Do you honestly think you will live to that age? Honestly, now. To hear the media bark, we are all doomed to die of diabetes before long if we don't live on a steady diet of goji berries, flaxseed oil, avocados, and aqua-robics, and we must start right now! Yet, I know my babcia never once in her life ate a goji berry. So what's the deal?
I don't have the book with me right now, so I'm not about to cite anything, but I'm sure it was in Michael Pollan's Omnivore's Dilemma that I read the best piece of food-related advice I have ever seen. I'm paraphrasing, but he basically said if your grandma doesn't recognize it as food, it's not food. Ok, I'm not suggesting that a goji berry isn't food. I'm sure it's very good for you. But so is a raspberry, and those grow in my back yard.
So here's what I have figured out. My babcia was healthy, and I am not. She was healthy into her nineties because she walked to the grocery store and pushed her groceries back in a little cart. She mowed her lawn. She gardened, she made bread, she kept a clean house, she cooked her own meals, she pickled, she canned, she sewed, she went outside. When she wanted popcorn she popped it in an air popper, not the microwave. My babcia was afraid of the microwave.
I can hear you all rolling your eyes and mumbling about responsibilities and a different world, and who has the time, and we have to work, and I shouldn't have to can, and the grocery store is on the other side of town. My babcia was also hooked on her “stories” (All my Children, mostly) and she loved a good nap. She relaxed, and she also worked into her seventies. Suck it up, spoon-fed youngsters! Make time.
What else you got? You don't have a backyard? Can't grow raspberries? Go buy them! Farmer's market too expensive? Opt for good quality fruit over Starbucks. Can't get to the farmer's market on Saturday? Go to the grocery store on a Tuesday. Grocery store too far away? If it is less than ten blocks then put on your walking shoes and buy a little trolly. I used to use a big suitcase. Ok, fine, I'll meet you in the middle. Walk to the grocery store, bus back with the groceries.
Here's a challenge: commit to cooking dinner 5 days a week WITHOUT using the microwave. Vacuum three times a week—it only takes 10 minutes. Dance, play with some kids, learn to pickle beans, shovel the sidewalk, take up crocheting, whittling, soap making. Do something old fashioned, and put some elbow grease into it. Then, when you're all done, munch on some veggies and dip.
I hope you're thinking now that none of this sounds new. You've heard it all before. Well, that's the point. Somewhere along the line we forgot that we instinctually know how to care for our bodies and our minds. These are not new designs that we need to fiddle with. We are not iBody 2.0. We are the same machine as our grandparents. The difference is, our grandparents just got on with this living stuff, while we keep trying to refer to manuals and upgrades. So that's my new/old philosophy for health. Be active, eat food, and put some effort into it.
When it comes to the topic of health, this past year has been eventful to say the least. There have been some health scares with people who are very close to me. I lost an aunt to cancer a year ago, and my mother recently lost a cousin her age as well. It has me thinking a lot about what it means to be healthy and what we can do about it.
What can we do about it? If we take our advice from any magazine, from tv experts, or from the late-night supplement commercials, we will spend thousands of dollars and hours dedicated to consuming oils and supplements, repeating lunges and palates moves, and wearing yoga pants and magnetic bracelets. Will any of that make us healthy? Must we contribute an hour to meditation, ten minutes to stretching, half an hour to walking, forty-five minutes to bird watching, and seventy-five dollars to organic kelp smoothies each day? Should maintaining our bodies and our minds really be this complicated?
I had the idea to do a blog series where I research all the advice given by the likes of Dr. Oz or any Oprah-endorsed personality, all the health magazines, all the supplements, a general practitioner, a naturopath, the old wives-tales, and any other bit of health advice roaming around the airwaves to date and do them all. I think it could be an interesting experiment on the chaos of our quality of life. Someone really should do that blog—but that person is not me. Honestly, I don't have the time or the money, or probably the patience. And I have a sneaking suspicion doing it all will kill a person.
So while I was thinking about this conundrum I asked myself as I often do—what would my grandma do?
My grandma (we called her babcia) lived to be 92. In August, my husband and I are going to Winnipeg to celebrate his grandma's (he calls her baba) 90th birthday. Many of my babcia's siblings are still alive and well, with their wits and their legs still kicking, approaching or past 90.
Do you honestly think you will live to that age? Honestly, now. To hear the media bark, we are all doomed to die of diabetes before long if we don't live on a steady diet of goji berries, flaxseed oil, avocados, and aqua-robics, and we must start right now! Yet, I know my babcia never once in her life ate a goji berry. So what's the deal?
I don't have the book with me right now, so I'm not about to cite anything, but I'm sure it was in Michael Pollan's Omnivore's Dilemma that I read the best piece of food-related advice I have ever seen. I'm paraphrasing, but he basically said if your grandma doesn't recognize it as food, it's not food. Ok, I'm not suggesting that a goji berry isn't food. I'm sure it's very good for you. But so is a raspberry, and those grow in my back yard.
So here's what I have figured out. My babcia was healthy, and I am not. She was healthy into her nineties because she walked to the grocery store and pushed her groceries back in a little cart. She mowed her lawn. She gardened, she made bread, she kept a clean house, she cooked her own meals, she pickled, she canned, she sewed, she went outside. When she wanted popcorn she popped it in an air popper, not the microwave. My babcia was afraid of the microwave.
I can hear you all rolling your eyes and mumbling about responsibilities and a different world, and who has the time, and we have to work, and I shouldn't have to can, and the grocery store is on the other side of town. My babcia was also hooked on her “stories” (All my Children, mostly) and she loved a good nap. She relaxed, and she also worked into her seventies. Suck it up, spoon-fed youngsters! Make time.
What else you got? You don't have a backyard? Can't grow raspberries? Go buy them! Farmer's market too expensive? Opt for good quality fruit over Starbucks. Can't get to the farmer's market on Saturday? Go to the grocery store on a Tuesday. Grocery store too far away? If it is less than ten blocks then put on your walking shoes and buy a little trolly. I used to use a big suitcase. Ok, fine, I'll meet you in the middle. Walk to the grocery store, bus back with the groceries.
Here's a challenge: commit to cooking dinner 5 days a week WITHOUT using the microwave. Vacuum three times a week—it only takes 10 minutes. Dance, play with some kids, learn to pickle beans, shovel the sidewalk, take up crocheting, whittling, soap making. Do something old fashioned, and put some elbow grease into it. Then, when you're all done, munch on some veggies and dip.
I hope you're thinking now that none of this sounds new. You've heard it all before. Well, that's the point. Somewhere along the line we forgot that we instinctually know how to care for our bodies and our minds. These are not new designs that we need to fiddle with. We are not iBody 2.0. We are the same machine as our grandparents. The difference is, our grandparents just got on with this living stuff, while we keep trying to refer to manuals and upgrades. So that's my new/old philosophy for health. Be active, eat food, and put some effort into it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)